Enough

So when i started this blog, I wanted to take you along on the entire journey with me, but I have been hesitant to include the good, the bad and the ugly, because I mean this isn't  a work of fiction, it's my life.  In order to stay true to my original intent and to maybe encourage someone else that they are not alone, here goes my most vulnerable post to date...  

Enough.  That is something that I have been struggling with the last few weeks, months, years.  It comes and goes from time to time.  Some times are worse than others though.  It doesn't mean I love Jesus any less, it just means that I'm still seeking to understand Him better.  Questions have been running through my head, and even though these same questions have run through my head before, recently they have been creeping back in. Things like Am I brave enough? Am I smart enough? Is giving up my own dreams of the future enough? Is the impact I’m making enough? Am I enough? Is the call enough for me? But the one question that I really need to answer is the one that can cover all the other questions: Is God really enough for me?

I have answered all of these questions before and I always end up with the same truth that God is enough, and that He has to be enough, otherwise this is not worth it.  The problem is that it takes effort on my part to keep my heart in this truth.  It is easy for my heart to long for certain things and maybe even feel betrayed when my prayers seem to be falling on deaf ears.  The danger is when we allow our love for God to be determined by what we think God should be doing for us.  You see the thing is, He already did it all for us, at the cross.

As I have been wrestling with these same questions and trying to keep my heart focused on truth, God reminded me of this time last year when I was trying to quickly raise a large amount of money for my two year missionary term to Ecuador.  I had been told that if I couldn't raise the full amount before March, they were going to have to shorten my term and cut some things out that I was originally planning on doing to help further the ministry.  I was probably the most discouraged I have ever been.  I was questioning everything.  I literally didn’t feel like I could go through with this.  I was so mad and hurt because I was finally ready to go and give it all, but yet people did not seem to be jumping on board with me by the boatloads like my disillusions had expected. People who had shared my dreams with me from the start, and had spurred me on, were suddenly disappearing to the background. If it weren't for the group of people who did jump on, I wouldn't even have had the option of going at all (I have never been more grateful for a group of people in my whole life). At the end of the day though, it seemed like I was grasping left and right for anyone else to catch the vision with me.  If the call was so great, why was God not meeting me there?

I remember crying out to God one night, basically throwing myself a little pity party because things weren’t going the way I had expected or planned with my analytical mind… So I began crying out these same questions and more, “Am I good enough? Am I brave enough? Am I wise enough? Am I strong enough to do this alone? AM I ENOUGH GOD?”  And when I was done, I was fully expecting the soothing voice to return “of course you are, you are my precious daughter. I created you and you are enough.” Instead, as I finished crying out “Am I enough God?” The almost audible, but still small voice resounded through my heart saying, “I AM.”  

Let that sink in...He is. Those two simple words shut me up pretty quickly.  I had been focusing on myself and my abilities, and what I was physically capable of.  The thing is, He never once called me to go in my own strength.  I, myself, am not enough, and never will be enough.  If I try to measure up to anyone else, I will fail miserably, but God is enough.  He is more than enough, and it’s because of Him living in me that I can do all things that He has called me to.

Whether He has called you to be a mom, a teacher, a businessman, a pastor, a small business owner, a missionary, or an employee in a cooperation that needs Jesus, whatever it may be, HE is enough for you.  And if He is living in you and you are following Him, then you can rest assured that you are enough and that you have purpose. Whatever the call He placed on your life may be, remember this truth.  You can search the world looking for purpose, and you may find some temporary purpose for your life, but He is the only One who calls you and gives you that enduring purpose.

I was flipping back through my journal and found this entry I wrote a few months ago about the call that He placed on my life:

“The call is not glamorous. The call is not convenient. The call is not some bragging right for everyone to see what you are doing for the Lord. The call is giving it all, even the little things. The call is lonely. The call is crying yourself to sleep at night sometimes. The call is missing big moments in your family's lives. The call is daily giving of yourself and pouring it all out so others may have the chance to know the love of Jesus. The call is tough. It takes grit. It takes daily moments on your knees with the Lord. And sometimes He doesn't answer. Sometimes He lets you walk through it as He walks silently and patiently beside you.

The call is all of these things, but it is also what keeps me going. Without the call, I would have thrown in the towel already and packed my bags to move back. The call is what keeps me going when I feel like I can't anymore. The call gives me purpose. The call gives me perspective. God has called me in the here and now to reach the lost and hurting people of Ecuador who do not know Him. Jesus literally gave his life so ALL of us could have a relationship directly with God. I can certainly give my life (and all that it entails) so that others may know. Vida por Vida! Life for life! It's worth it, even when it seems like it's not.”

So am I enough? Yes I am, but it’s not because of my own strength or abilities, it’s only because of God in me that I am enough.  The bigger question is do I believe God is enough for me? I know God wants good things for me (because He is a good Father), but if my prayers never go answered, if my dreams never come to pass, if I have to deal with an affliction until my days on earth are over, or if everything is taken away from me, would I still be able to stand and say that God is enough?  My head says yes absolutely, but in this moment, my heart is still working on it…  Luckily, even in our weakness and doubt, God is still right there, patiently waiting for us and cheering us on.